Ryan Companies Breaks Ground on Very Huge, Ginormous Hole with No Real Purpose

Ryan Companies broke ground this morning on a very huge, ginormous hole in the ground. The hole, which one official from Ryan clarified as having “no real purpose whatsoever,” is scheduled to be finished by the end of the day, or whenever workers get tired or sidetracked by something else.

“We started digging the hole after our morning snack,” said 7-year-old James, a student at Lincoln Elementary School. “The bus took us here, and then there was a big yellow digger and Jacob and Oliva said we should dig a big hole.”

“We were supposed to get a group of student interns from Lincoln High School to visit the site today, but I think the invite must have gone to the wrong school,” said a Ryan Companies employee who chose to remain anonymous. “We were showing these kids around this morning and before we knew it, they had the keys to two front-end loaders and an excavator and were conducting a very complex Earth-moving operation.”

The site of the massive, pointless hole—situated in that big field behind fellow student Matthew’s house—had previously been slated as the location for a new 75,000 square foot speculative industrial building Ryan Companies planned to build over the next year.

By lunch time, the hole was reported to be 30 feet at its deepest point, 150 feet at its widest point, and roughly shaped like a Chicken McNugget.

“I just want to reiterate that this hole is not a part of our official plan and serves zero function to the future of this project … but it also shouldn’t put us too far behind schedule,” a Ryan superintendent stated when asked about the freshly overturned dirt strewn about the site haphazardly. “It’s probably best to just let them finish whatever they’re doing at this point. Have you ever tried to stop a child operating a Caterpillar 395? It’s a lot harder than it sounds!”

“Maybe we will find a dinosaur,” said Oliva, a second-grade student at Lincoln Elementary who had just finished a session of operating one of the front-end loaders.

“Nuh-uh, we’re going to dig all the way to China,” responded Oliva’s classmate, Jacob. “Actually, let’s make a beach so we can go swimming!”

At press time, which was shortly before nap time on April Fool’s Day, the students from Lincoln Elementary were seen desultorily filling the senseless, gigantic void with water from a garden hose while yawning and wiping their sleepy eyes.

Disclaimer: No children or equipment were harmed in the making of this April Fools’ joke.